I am so sad right now. I feel like I am being torn apart and I'm not sure where the pieces will end up. As we investigate returning to Chicago but finding a new neighborhood,a new school for the kids, and new schedule I feel like I am going to a country more foreign than this was when we came. When we arrived in La Rochelle we had someone help us find a place to live, recommend a good school and were so lucky as to live just around the corner from the school. Somehow I never doubted from the first time I visited the schools that they would be a place where I could be comfortable leaving my kids, even with them not speaking the language. In Chicago, every school is like a fortress, and a labyrnth- they all seem so big, so distant, so troubled, so industrial. I was so set on this idea of having continuity between our experience here and after our return by Miette being able to continue in the bilingual French-American School. After tireless searching, and an increase in our price range for rent, there still is nothing available in the district which is necessary for enrollment in that school. I feel like I am so lost again, and with one week to go , we are back at square one. I know we have been exceptionally lucky here, and that it's not everywhere in France that you find a lovely little neighborhood school that feels like a family, but we have it and I am so deeply grateful for all we have- every teacher in the school knows Miette, and Miette knows almost every name of every kid in the school. There are fewer than 150 kids total. Julian's preschool is across the street, and many kids in his class have siblings in Miette's class. Julian is so loved at his school. It is his little family, full of 5 and 6 year old girls that mother him and boys that he loves to be silly with.
I keep leaving little pieces of myself every time I move- Cincinnati, Pittsburgh, Paris, Hyde Park, La Rochelle. I think it's okay for me, but I am realizing that its' not the same thing for the kids. I am not ready to take their hearts away from here yet, though I know they need to reunite their hearts with their Daddy. I want us to be together and I also want them to have a great school, and a great neighborhood, and all the other things we all want for our kids. We do miss friends and family, it's true, but I guess, all the other aspects of day to day living weigh in heavily on my attachment to being here.
I think I need to do a little meditating and reflecting through a Buddhist lens- everything is impermanent, right Lynn? It is uncertain how long present conditions will remain. Everything is fresh and meaningful, radiant with unlimited potential....But grief is natural too, and I am feeling the grief right now. Trying to let it wash over me, not holding on or holding in, just feeling the sadness of letting go, and the sadness of not knowing. Which can be a joy as well, the joy of potential. Anything can happen but nothing is guaranteed. I suppose the best thing I can do for myself and everyone else is to keep my center strong and clear, and my intentions directed towards positive results.
I will finally out up some photos from Julian's Fête de l'Ecole. He is wearing pom-poms on his wrist and "lifting weights". They did a mock sort of fitness competition for the kids "show" to jazz music and it was pretty cute. I tried a few days back to post the video but it took so long then didn't work that it put me off blogging for awhile. Then I got sick and still feel crappy, and Julian got sick as well,and no on e has slept well for a few nights now. And now in my emotional state I have to pack up our stuff, only 11 day to go- and go to a hundred parties in all my spare time.
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6 comments:
Eva,
Moving is a subject close to my heart right now, as I'm just finally feeling like I'm settling in here in Ohio. It has taken me a year. It is all so much more complicated when we have children, isn't it? I'm thinking of you and hoping you can figure it all out with peace and clarity.
Oh Girlie.... it is indeed hard to uproot regularly, especially when you like the garden you're currently growing in.
My words of wisdom come from a good teaching I just heard at Bodhi Path with Khenpo Tsering Samdup. He was teaching on Gampopa's Jewel Ornament of Liberation, a really fundamental text. Chapter 5: The Faults of Samsara. Basically, a lengthy historical exposition on why this life sucks. He went over in excruciating detail all the ways you can suffer as a human being. But the useful point FOR YOU is that it is really practical to reflect on suffering, as you have been doing. Because everyone experiences suffering, over and over, and then over and over. Again. The only way to escape this cycle of suffering is to make an end to your negative emotions. But negative emotions arise from clinging to the concept of a "self." You can get rid (in theory) of this problem by the meditating on, and realizing emptiness. Sadly, it is REALLY FREAKIN' HARD to meditate on emptiness. But it's easy to reflect on suffering as a step along the way.
As a fun aside, we learned that when Gods are getting ready to die, they start to smell in lots of ways. Armpit stink is distinctly mentioned.
Kiss Kiss! I will be glad you will soon be back in Chicago, if that thought sends any positive energy your way.
Wherever you go, you will find love
:)
(and I miss you already but I know we will see each other here or there sometime again)
A big hug
Dear Eva Bean, Our love to you as you live in these excruciatingly beautiful moments. Mom
Eva-
A family we love here is just about to move back to Europe, and last night we went to the goodbye party. The mom, coincidentally named Eva also, was just crushed at all of our well wishes and goodbyes. I know she is excited to move on, too. It occurred to me afterward that loving goodbyes, theoretically, help reassure those leaving that no matter how lonely moving is, they will make new friends, and still have the ones left behind.
Moving back to an old home is still moving, with all the readjustment of moving to any other new place. It's hard, but you'll do it, and maybe this home will be the one that sticks.
We'll be coming through Chicago in early August, by the way - see you then?
Eva,
I have been wondering about your whereabouts, and then today I read your post. Your life in La Rochelle has been absolutely dreamy to read about. I can understand why it is so hard to go, especially if you can't quite get things to work here the way you would like. Sometimes I visualize life like a square dance (which I have only done maybe once in my life!) But I like the picture of dancing with one group then looping into the next one. You have to let go of one, be in limbo for a second, and then the next group of dancers welcomes you. Maybe you can draw something from that image.
In the meantime, I have a moving ritual to share: Go through your house and look through every window. In all my moves, each view captured a day, a memory, a moment. Photos optional.
love, Marji
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